Conversation

"Why?...because he watches movies with me and offers to teach me how to make ravioli, he laughs and thinks its cute that I laugh at everything. He wants to watch Bridget Jones with me....the whole thing. He wants to play me songs on his guitar and when he doesn't know the words improvise with "I'm really sorry Alex I forgot the lyrics", he offers to make me breakfast. Why?...because he admits that he could and wants to love me. You can't do that...sorry, you know that I adore you though, but you wont/ cant give me what I want."

Novella

I have no faith in our country but besides that... I thought that today I would write what my values are.

1. I believe in being honest about life, but not about everything. The simple lies of "no your not fat" are needed.
2. I think that love is truly what rules the world but like love is eternal and endless, so is true hate.I also believe that the word hate is used to lightly.
3.I believe its wrong to ask "how are you" when it is not meant
4.I truly believe that everything will always work out for me.
5. I think that nothing is stronger than family, but it is important to remember that even family members are people.
6. I believe that it is not right to hate just because i don't understand.
7.I believe people are good, but that goodness is cultural and we are trained on what is good and bad.
8. I believe that I am happy and and that despite what logic tells me I'm not mediocre.
9.I believe that the best way for me to live my life is to think of it as a good novel and that if I were to die that day would the story end well.

I've Got a Pickle I've Got a Pickle Ive Got a Pickle Hey Hey Hey Hey

Renzo, a guy in drama found my glasses. Which i had accidentally lost while at rehearsal. Correction Lizzie found my glasses Renzo guessed they were mine. So when I received them back I was told I owed him a pickle, since he guessed correctly. I knew he was basically kidding, but Jessica and I went to the store and bought a single pickle. It was rapped in pickle juice quite obscene looking actually...anyway... So when I gave it to him he felt bad and said he was going to make me cookies since I didn't get that he was kidding. He also went on about how sweet I was. Yesterday I received six homemade cookies in a little Tupperware, that had closing flaps and everything. How exciting, and good. So I am going to give him back his Tupperware and ask very coyly. "If I give you a jar of pickles what else will i get?"

Nineteen Its Like Thirty Nine

I think my feelings on this birthday are best described by my dad "This is the last of your teen years pretty soon you will blink and be forty."

Do you all like the new lay out Kristin did it for me for my birthday.

"Roxanne I Make Rha-rha-rhymes For You"

when i have a song in my head its hard to write without rhy-rhy-rhythm and I think I don't know what to say, but I want to fill up that rediucu-lous space. And at time there is no where to be, no where to go, and no one for me to see. I'm just all alone in this great big world of mineeyenine.

I do my own little things, in my own little ways. with no thanks and of-en no praise and I wonder where I could be gooooin. Just sit there and watch me as a make a weird face, tell you about the drama of this sil-ly place. And I think to myself its not as it was be-foore.

Runaround in circles get off of my bed, you don't want to stay, cause that's not the way. well that's OK I just can't sleep by myself tonight. I just want to know, what is the place, and who should i show? after all its really not that great.

Walk verery far, and see my face. With my long black hair all over this place, its absurd really how much i haven't changed. My hair wont grow that fast, and good things they never last. So why is that I just want you to stay?

Pick up your coat and walk away, shut the door turn around in that same way. look at me just one more time again. what a love-ly smile,what a love-ly face. Put your hands in your back pockets and remind me of that face.

With the sill-ee boy i once used to know, brown curly hair. Oh i loved him soo. Don't look like him with those eyes you will kill me oh. If I walk away I will be OK. If I open up so much is lost, I know the smart to run.

I wont turn around I wont leave this place, I wont let my held be held up high. Noooo I need to laugh and I need to cryeye and someday i'll know why But until that moment its just hello.

Its really to bad to see say such sh-sh-it, about that girl and and that boy and the silly pit, they have dug each other, falling till there's no sky. Just do me a favor, just one little thing:Rock my world and say goodbye.

Wisdom From The Streets

A couple weeks ago my mom and dad and I were walking in down town Colorado Springs, when I bum comes up to us and says "Hey I was wondering if you could do me a favor and help me out, I need a hundred thousand dollars." My dad laughed and said "no" and then the bum said "How about a quarter?" and my dad gave him a dollar.

That is my new theory on life.

Sleep Is For The Over Thirty

the sky is blue today, and there are clouds rolling by, slight wind, my windows cracked open, on my mind is nothing, well a fear that I am in to deep, to many things to do to much college, I felt bad last night for the first time wrong about going out, mom would not like that, Do i really like it? I had tons of fun I would say, but drinking adds a falseness and I hate falseness, it allows me to be bold out going say "fuck a lot" but while I think its fun, I don't want to do it anymore for two nights in a row.

Earlier I thought I heard a voice, the voice was so familiar to me of someone I knew, quite well and while it was familiar I couldn't remember who sounded like that. I thought I saw Claire walking the other day and I wanted to run up and say "Hey Bebe!" I am torn now, I don't want to be at home, I want to be here. I want to go out and stay out, I like that I am now in the swing of college drama play and violin lessons. But I am to busy. to large on life, do I need time? no sleep is for the over thirty. yes that is right.

COW of the Week

This weeks case interesting things to happen to Alex at college:

1. Room mate thought I was a lesbian and was very relieved when I said "my x-boyfriend"
2. bought flowers a cute local grocery store.
3. decided to become very organic hippies sort of person (still shaving)
4. felt excluded for being Indian....isn't this like a kindergarten thing?
5. made easy-mac.

And You Really Needn't Bother, I Already Feel Like An Idiot Most of The Time With Or Without A Bathrobe

So last night I had just gotten off the phone with Ben around 1:30 in the morning, and I decide that I need to take a shower, I get undressed put on my periwinkle blue robe with the letters "xoxoxoxo" written on the cuffs and collar, and I grab my towel and shower things. I walk outside, carrying only this stuff, shut my door and decide to check it. It's Locked. I have no key.



The door is locked, I'm in a bathrobe only at two in the morning. I don't know what to do, so I find a security guard and he tells me to get my RA. I had already bothered my RA twice previously this day, once to get a lofting kit and twice to ask where the bathrooms where. Since I moved in a day early I am the only other person on this floor besides him, there for there is no one to lesser my stupidity by being dumb themselves. Which is never a good thing.

Any way, I knock on his door, he answers and there I am in my bathrobe holding my shower stuff, babbling on about how "I didn't know the doors locked...I mean I knew they did lock but I thought you had to do A..(makes hand gestures of using a key.) I just thought that it was like a key only thing and it didn't lock earlier." this continued on for a while, interspersed with apologies. He was very nice and we went to go get the key but the master key was not to be found so we had to go find all the other RA's. I was so mortified, walking around my new dorm in a robe, because I locked myself out. I was trying hard to think of things to talk about, so that my mind wouldn't be on how dumb and humiliated I was, but that only worsened the situation, lots more ramblings about keys and apologies were the only thing that escaped my mouth. Finally I got my door open, and then I got my key and went to take my long awaited shower.

But it took me like ten minutes to find the bathroom...Oh dear.

college

I am at a place where it rains, and is cold in august. ( I'm wondering how I am going to survive frostbite) It is odd to be little again, to not know where you are going. To be the sevy at St. Mikes again. It is odd to have to walk through two doors to pee, and to not have my kitty. But odder than that I am already beginning to see this as home.

Six Things That Alex Has Learned From Six Boys Lips.

1.  From Miguel I learned that counting your steps makes it easier to find your way home, and nothing is better once  you're there than a nap...And a letter, that's bomb.
2. I was told by Mannie that comfort can come from your two thumbs rubbed against your bottom lip, and that you are never to old for a blanket.
3. From Andy I learned...that punk rock boys with emo glasses are so hot, but also emo-tional fuckwit perverts. 
4. From Owen I discovered that the only way to "dress sexy at my funeral" is to wear dickies, converse, and a strokes t-shirt, and that if you want to be a speed racer it's important to make the noises "vrrooom, vrrooooom. It's my turn. I want to go!"
5. From Ben I learned that if you order an Italian soda without cream it's a French soda, and that coffee isn't always meant to be coffee.
6. From Nick I read that " Love is only as good as it's victims. Who, like dying soldiers, live only for moments". And that there is such a thing as "bitch and wine."

Alejandra Walks in that Sexy Way

I was asked today how I pronounced my name, when I said "Alexandra", in that way that I have always said it with the perky voice and having myself be so foreign with the word that at times I'm not even really sure I pronounce it correctly. It's funny to have a name you never use except on very formal occasions or new situations, it always makes me feel awkward. I was asked  why I didn't say it "Alejandra", told that it would add a Spanish flare to me. That the name Alejandra was sexy and seductive, and made a person just sound sexy, look sexy and well be sexy. Outwardly I just giggled, laughing to myself that someone thought I could pull off that name, and inwardly I was admiring why I liked the name Alexandra it is so it could be shortened to Alex which I think defines me pretty well.

I Said I Lied

He asked me if I missed him. I said "yes." Thinking I did... But it's not his picture on my shelf, it's not his letters I long for, it's not his voice and touch that I feel pain because I don't have.

He asked me if I had forgotten about him. I said "no." Thinking that I had...I hadn't remembered when he came back to the states, or who he was with. I hadn't remembered that I was so afraid that he was leaving me.

He told me he was glad, glad I hadn't forgotten. He said people easily forget. I wanted to say I was sorry. I had forgotten and instead of feeling remorse at this moment I was feeling fear.

Fear that maybe the person I was remembering had forgotten me. After all it is so easy. All I can do at this moment is repeat words I have heard before:

Please don't forget me, it is after all so easy.

I'm Just a Curb Side Profit

I decided to tell me telling off Owen from his point of view it's only fair that way...plus my side's not that interesting its just a lot of "what the fuck that little prick is a bitch and a half" any way...

Enjoying a day of shopping to ever continue my emo/cowboy/rocker/Jason Mraz look (although when asked I claim I have never heard of him) in Double Take. It's a very satisfying store on the whole, old clothes that you know have a story and a history from somewhere that were no longer wanted, and given luck and the right day you find a perfect match to cloth your soul.

Today was not a "right day." There I was shopping for the cowboy plaid shirt that would make my life when I saw her. The girl that I spend my life trying to forget, yet somehow right when I manage to accomplish this, she calls or I run into her, or she comes up and says hi, or invites me to prom. I can't understand why she does this. When you tell someone they make you miserable you think they would leave you alone. But not this girl. I try my best for her to not see me so that she won't come up and say hello, I was pretty successful having my friends keep lookout while I hid behind a rack of men's accessories and then have them help me sneak out of the store. We walked around the block very casually, me not really talking about why I feel some need to hide from Alex, but feeling relieved to have escaped that awkward feeling nonetheless. Then to my horror at the end of the block she walks up to me in her black dickeys and green converse, past my friends and tells me: "Your and awful person, rude and inconsiderate and awful" then she starts to smile and I think it's one big joke when she says "and I'm not even kidding your an awful person." And walks away. All I can think is what the hell? What did I ever do to her?

Jump to The left, Step to the Right

I really should become famous or apply for alot of jobs just because I like the interview process soooo much.

Child Hood Perceptions

I remember the first time I saw an actual rode runner. I was so disappointed, by its size. I had always assumed they were as tall as a small child, at least three feet tall. Because of the Warner Brother cartoons.

The first time I ordered chocolate moose I was panicked. I did not want to eat a live moose covered in chocolate, with all the hair and everything.

I could never figure out what The Budget Inn really said I thought it was always "The Bud Get Inn" you know a pun.

I thought roads were just placed on natural landscapes. I always thought it really amazing that a mountain would stop and have the perfect space for a road then be tall again

graduation today!!!!!!!!!! (Alex's runs around screaming)

last night was senior awards, and yes I "dropped it like it was hot" and suddenly was very aware of why Jesse and Ryan were so nervous as to if they did a good "drop it" or "if it was to rushed."

Bowed Timing

Kyle and David had a graduation party yesterday evening,it was a very nice party, with food and a magic show!
During the show the magician, named Elijah asked for a volunteer for this one trick. Since I was terribly smitten with him I decided to raise my hand, well to my great, elated surprise I was picked from the audience.
They said it was real simple all I had to do was just stand very still while they juggled gold, green, and red juggling pens around me. While I thought "Yeah right..Like I am going to move away from Elijah the hot magician uhuh can we say no?" They started juggling and I was perfectly fine, that part really was not scary I trusted there trick. Then Elijah said to take a bow. Well being that I am a speechie and a thespian I look for excuses to bow. So I did. It went fine they juggled around me. I bowed, I stood up. But when I stood up I glanced over at Elijah and he had this look of panicked relief on his face, and was trying to smile, but ended up laughing nervously. This made me nervous... Wondering if I had upset the hot magician in some way, you never want to see a hot magician,or any magician for that matter with a panicked face while doing a trick that you are in the middle of.
They finished and I sat down, quite content with my experience, on the whole. Then Elijah says "No one has ever bowed before...No seriously. She is a very brave soul." Giggle I'm a very brave soul...right.

Candy...Strangers...What?

Have realized the importance of child hood lessons: Today I was walking around the Community College, wasting time. When a very odd man, with very crooked teeth came up and offered me some candy. Very Random, Easter candy. (Ugh when was Easter?) Then I remembered a very important child hood lesson: Don't take candy from strangers. Decided to follow random, what seemed worthless advice, and NOT to take the candy. Much to my relief, later found similar bag of candies in the parking lot...now I can only wonder.

Drugged Out Poetry and Random Running

I got back from jogging a moment ago. I chose to run on a treadmill, because of several reasons the main one being it requires a lot less concentration on where your going, and the other in it allows me to listen to Jason Mraz without a fear of being raped. So I ran. I must admit it is a little discouraging to never really move and be so tired.

I have been trying to write poetry for my poetry book and unfortunately the majority of the stanza's just come out to be something like this:
"I am going to die alone.
Its really sad lonely.
Empty. Need help.
There's irony here somewhere here
I'm eighteen."
Which as much fun as this type of poetry is, its also really pathetic. I need to think of happy topics to write about. like bunnies or doodle bugs.
"hop hop hop
bunny
I love you.
Yeah hop bunny"
The only problem with switching moods so randomly is that people are going to be convinced I'm a lot of drugs.

I spent last night at a my grandma's which was fun. Well, when I say fun I mean, a good time with people who can't remember where they put dinner, or if they made any, or if they ate it already, and as a consequence of this ask you a million times "are you hungry?"

Oh Colorado College liked my essay so much they are going to publish part of it in there brochure...all I can think is "and I wrote what?" My fear is that they will ask me something about it and the only answer I will have will be "Do you know where the toilet is?"

From the Editor

Dear Stephanie,
I think that we work really well together, for a while I forgot how much fun doing duo was and districts reminded me of it. I love getting up there for ten minutes with you performing. We work really well together, better than we do apart. We are very complementing to each other. (which reminds me you are going to love my prom dress). You are one of those people who no matter how much I want to keep my feelings to myself, you always make me feel better to tell them to you, even if you don't always understand. I feel that I am repeating a lot of what you already know. You are my friend, I don't think we are as close as we once were, and I think that is more on my part. But I still do really like you as a person, and hope that you succeed immensely in life, according to how you view success and not how anyone else does. I am so excited that you and Susan are going to run the speech team, next year. I promise to come back and help whenever I can. (every three and a half weeks to be precise) I love you Steph and when I look back at high school you will be one of my fonder memories. So to my Bruce Willis, my Margot, my Essie, my Roxie Heart, and my Velma Kelly, but most importantly my Steph I thank you for being my friend, and am so happy that in fifth grade you asked me to play.
Alex

Seven

When I was seven my dad and I were walking around down town Santa Fe, enjoying the summer and he was talking about the Olympics and how they happen every four years. He told me that in the year 2000 they would happen, and that I would be 15 or 16, I would be in high school and driving, and that he would be 50. He told me that the Olympics would happen in the summer of 2004 and I would be eighteen and graduating and that I would be reaching the point where I didn't need my parents to take care of me, and would be ready to go out on my own. I would be going to college, and leaving high school and becoming an adult, and that I would be tall and not need to hold his hand to cross the street.

And do you know what? I didn't believe him.

COW Of The Week

Alex was accepted to Colorado College...this means something huge: No matter what I won't be in Santa Fe next year.

Something very important is about to end in my life...in three days I will be finished with Drama at St. Mikes forever. I'm not ready.

COW Of The Week

The oddest compliments Alex has ever received:
1. You were really pretty yesterday.
2. You played Anne Frank....and well she was pretty hot for a dead chick...so I guess that makes you pretty hot...for a dead chick.
3. I really like the whole dread lock thing you got going on with your hair.
4. The most envious part about you Alex is your sister.

I thought I knew ridiculous until today

So today I was walking in the hall, right past the teachers lounge, Susan was right behind me. I didn't turn around, but reached my hand out and grabbed Susan's hand. I walked about ten feet with her hand, when I turned around to talk to her. I looked up and there instead of Susan was a really tall guy. I had accident's grabbed his hand. I told him it was an accident and he just laughed. I told him it was all a huge mistake, and we both laughed. It was surprisingly funny.

Sunrise, Sunrise, Looks Like Morning In Your Eyes

I remind myself of a little daffodil. A creature that exists for the sun, and for beauty, and for the pleasure of little girls and grandma's everywhere. A creature with folds and petals so you really have to look deep to find the brightest colors of red and orange. A creature who is not associated with beauty, but gorgeous in its own right. A creature that always has its head facing the sun. A creature that always smiles even when it should frown.

Beam Me Up Scottie

So my Valentine's Day went as such: I woke up and had forgotten what day it was until Thales called and asked me what food went well with a berry pie. Me standing in my blue checkered Pajama's, with mascara under my eyes, and a loose pony tail in my hair: I told him I had no idea...after flipping through my "Cooking with Friends" cookbook, and consulting my mother, he had decided. It actually sounded quite good.

I then had tea with my grandparents, enough said. Spending V-day with old people is not on my top ten.

I went over to Brian's where he gave me "Startrek 101," and I got the inside info about his party. We watched a Startrek movie, one with the original cast. It was surprisingly good and funny (Nuclear wessels we need nuclear wessels) He gave me a whole case of Dr. Pepper and told me to drink it all, and pulled out heavily frosted cookies. It was actually a great way to ignore the slump I could have been in, in fact next time I break up with anyone I am going to Brian's.

I left Brian's-and this is where I hit my low- I went to baby-sit. I rang the doorbell walked in and there on the table were candles a heart shaped pizza, raspberry sparkling cider, Campaign glasses, and chocolate. I was a date for a five year old.

This probably would have been devastating if it had not been for the kindness of Sam Cridditen. He gave me a card that not only made me laugh, it made me feel a lot better about babysitting. But as a result I had an OK day, and only stuffed my face with chocolate once.

The Small Tiger

I wrote this poem in fourth grade, the art teacher didn't like it, but to this day I still consider it one of my works of genius!

Instead black it has white
it is not quite a fright.
it is small, meek, and loving to.
But very fast!
and sometime vast.
But when it sees its prey,
it usually runs away!
It is my cat Milo!

It's the Perfect Time of Year Somewhere Far Away From Here

In eighth grade I was extremely little, very skinny, had no idea what a hair brush was, and thought it was cool to wear baggy cloths. Beauty was not a word used often when if came to me. Yet when it comes to having some of the greatest memories of my life that is when they occurred. I had two very dear friends Susan and Anthony and a boy I was crazy about. I sat next to Eric every day in band, crossing my legs really cute like with my French horn across my lap. I never looked pretty, but I felt pretty. And I was loved by this boy for having a rockin' personality.

In tenth grade I finally grew into myself, I learned what a brush was as well as a curling iron, hair spray, curlers, and clips. I still had an odd sense of fashion but had grown into myself a bit better. I was pretty ( if I'm not to bold to say). I had become rather shy, realizing that boys were something that existed, and never dating before, I was becoming more and more concerned with my appearance. When Nick came into my life and asked me to homecoming. I had some of the most exciting memories of my life from here. This boy loved me for my beauty, but I was still loved.

In eleventh grade I grew more and became more self confident. I knew what I wanted to be and why I wanted to be it, I knew who I was and why. I was sure of my life and all of my actions. I was confident enough to make it known to Owen that I loved him, because of this I have some of the sweetest, moments of my life. I was loved once again, but this time for my confidence.

I would not give any of these years up, in fact I consider them vital to the person I am today. I am not as confident as I was last year, I now am unsure of some of the things I do. I am not as care free as I was in eight grade, I think before I talk, but I am not as shy as I was in tenth grade. I am not loved by any particular boy, but I can say that this year will hold some of the most hopeful memories of my life, and that I am truly loved, by my self. Which is goal I constantly strive for.

When I Wake Up

Don't you just hate that feeling when you wake up and have that excited feeling in the pit of your stomach? When you just feel like there is a spark, something that makes today different from any other day? When you have a desire to be the best you can be, have an unseen beauty? You don't know the reason at first and then it hits you...It's a uncertainty, a nervousness, its a boy. Yeah I don't either.

Oh how silly am I?

Yesterday

Several things happened to me yesterday, of which all where rather odd. I actually gave a decent talk in English, about my views on success, life, and happiness. I was terribly embarrassed when Sachi told me she wrote it all down, word for word. Miss Tapia told me my views were amazing and Thales says I'm truly mature, Ashley claimed them fantastic, yet I still can't comprehend what is so radical about wanting to be happy in whatever you do, and realizing that the time you have now may be all you ever get, so why not just enjoy it? I just assumed everyone strived for this.

Then I lost my gift to talk like I write when I ordered Pizza, loosing all ability to speak in English. I muttered something to the beautiful pizza man....What I am not sure, but the look I received was not reassuring.

And finally around nine o'clock I gained it back, and had an amazing conversation, where for once in my life, I said what I wanted to say when I wanted to say it, with no regrets. There was no stuttering, or long pauses, tears,or awkwardness, and in between talking of what was, we talked about movies, or college. There was no hatred, or love, no distress, or anger. There was just understanding, which is odd because no one else would ever understand how one could feel alright talking, so seriously, about what was.

Some words should never be spoken
some never silenced
pride is hardly broken
a connection has been mended
but not to some final end
I am still confused and broken
but now I know a final thought:
hate is not forever,
and anger can only last so long,
but a comfort is never ending,
and while I cannot give it
to those in the greatest need
I can at least offer
to repay what was given to me.

COW of the Week

The case this week is examining last years resolutions and see how they measure up. My first resolution was to listen more, I know personally I still chat a ridiculous amount when I shouldn't and I am dead silent when I should speak up. Though I feel overall what I want to say is getting heard more, although it will always be a constant goal of mine to be more assertive...In the right places. My second was to not socialize....Well obviously that didn't happen. The third was to not gossip, yeah obviously that did not happen either, but in all fairness to me I have learned more of what is appropriate to talk about and what is not. I still do not take vitamins (which was my fourth goal) and I stopped trying to make excuses. I feel I have started to eat better though, which was my fifth and final resolution.

It does not seem like I have been very successful, but when asked have I fulfilled my resolutions, the answer is yes. Because just realizing these events and concerns makes me more aware. I know that I don't want to be this type of person: a gossiping, bad eater, who never shuts up. But I feel that I am not therefore my resolutions are successful. At least that is my mind set, I am aware that I have bits of each in me still but I like to think of my self as: a good conversationalist, who's a social eater, and just has a lot to say.

And the new year begins.