Starting to explain

I feel a huge gap between myself and any possible person reading this...because I cannot explain every detail of camp, nor can I explain to the full extent the reasons for how much I love it. I guess its just that I can remember every single year for some purpose. So I will start by being extremely nostalgic and remember each year.

My last year as a camper was when I was 13. I went week seven, as did my sister, and to my pleasant surprise Eric Wulc. I was determined from the second I got there not to talk to him, if he didn't want to talk to me...silly stupid girl games. The first thing he said to me was "Alex, Alex hey Alex!" I walked over and said hi, him sitting under that tree by the wall and for lack of anything better to say said " I like you tennis shoes."

Square dance that night was the only night I ever truly enjoyed square dancing..Eric and I were paired together. I remember sitting at sack outs and telling this other girl about him, I remember writing notes to Susan, and most of all I remember the moonlight hike. I don't remember walking up to the falls...or being there, but I do remember walking back. Eric was pretending to be a counselor and "line trails" only he was saying something ridiculous like "watch out for poisoness jellyfish" When I walked by him though he got yelled at, and began to walk with me. We talked about Susan and Anthony and other things, but everyone else didn't matter, only this conversation did. During the dance we danced together to "with or without you", he was wearing a white shirt...it must have been filthy. At the friendship circle we held hands, like everyone, crossed right over left. He told me that if he wiped his nose with my hand I had permission to slap him.

Nothing ever happened between us, and I almost like it that way. He was a middle school crush who I will never have ruined by the unkindness of reality.

To day is the longest day of the year, every other day will be getting shorter.

"I like you because you seem so innocent...I know your not, but you seem it."

realizing you are foolish and trying to stop being a fool are two completely separate issues. Both of which I deal with it seems on a regular basis.

There are good people who hang out with bad people and are negatively influenced, which seems to be a common problem in out society. I have always been the complete opposite: I am a bad person who hangs out with very good people, there for I am positively influenced.

I am very lucky. I pretty much get whatever I want and always have. spoiled. conceded, false, everything I hate in others I find is what I am afraid of in myself.

I don't feel the same as others...I never have, I am unsatisfiable. I am unhelpable and I am fine. I don't need to change myself. I don't need to become contented with my surroundings the truth is I am content with that which I work really hard to get. I love Hummingbird and always have. I love camp, because I worked for it. I beat out hundreds of other girls to be where I am today. Those challenges which are too easy are also too easily forgotten. I have plenty of negative, sketchy qualities. But I am young and need to accept that I have a whole life to obtain bliss, and at the age of 19 I can be a selfish little slutty bitch. (oh don't act like you never thought I was one)

Maybe instead of acceptance it should only be realization but I'm truly tired of disliking myself because others tell me I should. I'm tired of considering myself slutty because I hear it, or a cunt because David says so, or annoying because I read it, or a bitch because I think that's how society would judge me.

I will be my own judge from now on and be accountable for my own actions, instead of putting my artistic manipulative talents to evil I will put them into myself, and understand that I am the person I have desired to be, negative qualities and all.

And if any person ever dares to call me a slut, a bitch, a cunt, a fuck up, and whore, a awful human being, or manipulative cancer, I will probably agree, but rest assured I'm done changing.

Taking in Deep

Cold. is the first sensation in the morning. The second is the fear that someone will hear my alarm. Turn off the sound of beeping. Turn on my computer, decide which piece of my soul to have the girls here today: decision turns out to be Jason Mraz(of course) Unfold. Open door, turn on the lights, yell at the top of my high pitched voice that still has hints of sleep in it: "Good Morning Girls! Time to get up! Get Up! Get Up! AHHHH!" walk to the bathroom pee, walk to my room, walk around lost for a few minutes knowing I should do something but not knowing what...remember I have to sweep. Teach a breakfast song, always having "YEAH!" yelled really loud at the end of it. Inspection, always a 1++. Then I Go to the wall where the flag is, jump up and recite the pledge, after the flag raises and then sing a prayer. I watch breakfast skits, involving girls singing and saying how awesome the breakfast at Hummingbird is. Decisions, decide who goes first and so on, until finally who goes last. Go eat, bring own cereal, too afraid of rice crispies... any thing that pops is unnatural. Laugh. and that is my morning. by now of course I'm pretty warm.