Oh Not Another Excuse.

My first reaction to the message was to call back as soon as physically possible and relay my emotions to the sender (preferably on a message as well to add the coldness). But the thought occurred to me: when bruising another's ego it is best to have careful witticisms of poignancy that sting on contact but swell even more when digested. This thought of course led to me planning my angered, would be message. There is an enjoyment taken in combining words that are sure to at least puncture the heart of any human, never mind how cold hearted or stoic they may seem. I had gems in my possession. My speech was going to start off very strong with hints of disappointment, but no tears or obvious signs of anger. It would not bring up instances from the past (that might look like I was harping on the matter) but would only focus on now and the future. Slowly throughout the duration more emotion would become involved and blame put on myself for the problems at hand, guilt being my manipulation in intent. It would end with me pulling from all sources to create a problem, to search for a solution, and to hurt another person.

And then It just hit me. I had nothing to say. So why call? There will be no call back, no explanation for my abrupt silence. At first in my mind this too would have its own poetic, vindictive result. I wouldn't be there anymore...what could be worse?

But that is not what I want. The truth is I want to be left alone or loved and the latter I'm finally realizing can't happen, and that isn't any one's fault. So why place blame where there isn't any? Why hurt another in response to being hurt? Why ruin another person's day to make my hopeless one feel better. All I ever wanted is in the words of Ben Harper:

"please please me like you want to, not not like you have to. Oh wont you just go on and leave me? You know leaving me is the least you that you could do."