I just saw a tornado. amazing

Insert Uplifting Jason Mraz Lyric Here

I am an individual full of hope. Maybe the extreme capacity of my hope is caused by the multitude of ego and vanity within myself, maybe it is my undying persistence. Whatever the cause of this infliction, I never want to doubt that a person might change,this never includes my own self. This hope is partially human nature. We all hope. We all have dreams. Lord knows there are enough cheesy pop songs on the subject. Most hopes have to do with our own selves because in my case, myself, is the most reliable person I readily know. At least I am reliable in my failure!

Yet despite this hope placed in me, I find myself sitting around a table Saturday night with two of my best friends and them telling me I have to let it go. The worst part is I Know it. I struggle for the strength and moment. But I have been writing the soliloquy in my head for some time. And just like any play write I am looking to life experience, actual evidence, and raw human emotion to back my words. I am getting ready to do what he needs and has tried to do. But myself, like most human beings did not hear his words until I was ready to listen.

This summer is different from the ones before. I do not have two lives. I have one. Theatre is now in Santa Fe. I am whole.

Milo Died.
It is so aweful to write that.
-alex

Going to London tomorrow....

New Light On an Old Face

In the last month I have been absolutely, unequivocally, entirely, Alex. Seems impossible that I could improve upon my nature, but somehow I have found a way to constantly surprise even my own self. Its amazing....shocking really.

Does love wear out...like shoes? Is one day love in fashion and the next it isn't?...Maybe love isn't their style. Love is like shoes in that it touches your souls and each person has an individual fit. Some people keep one pair for years, others have too many shoes. Love is that way. Shoes, like love, have to be broken in...getting used to. But then is love like my converse...one day they just fall apart. I loved them still, but couldn't walk in them with out exposing the soul of my right foot. You know when you have to get new shoes, some times its a dreadful experience, sometimes you buy shoes for certain events like wedding dates, some times its a pleasure to have a new pair. We have shoes for comfort, style, status. Love is more like my shoe than I thought.

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

After Valentines day, now its ok to leave. Taken from a Paul Simon song...I decided to explore fifty possible applications of leaving.

1.Take your toothbrush.
2.Say you are melancholy and afraid of becoming an almond-when they don't get the Sarah Ruhl reference leave- for real effect leave an almond on the pillow.
3.Wreck their car.
4.Use inappropriate pickup lines with political charges. E.g: "I want to flood you like Mozambique."
5.Have someone else answer your phone-extra points if the words "sticky" or "wet" are used in any context during the conversation.
6.Want to see the play Saved claim it has good parenting tips-if they know the play they will be extra creeped out.
7.Develop an interest in the Blue Man Group. Get "blued," then like Tobias, say "I blued myself."
8.Claim its in the bible-King James version only
9.Place a "no vacancy" sign on your door
10. Friday night becomes parent's night
11.Create a rap using the following words: "lover," "brother," "mother," and "other."
12.Introduce them to your grandparents- dead or alive
13.Steal their mail
14.Spell it out in bad French-Je vous pars...sorry
15.Make a banner and place it in the living room
16.Bite their lip, make it bleed and then say "did you like that?" (make sure they don't like this first)
17.Spread gossip about yourself to mutual acquaintances.
18.Wrap it in a fortune cookie, then claim its fate.
19. Use Shakespeare's sonnet "My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun"-but leave out the last two lines.
20.Reenact the final seen of Ibsen's A Doll's House
21.Tell them you only have time to wait for one person in your life and that's Godot.
22.Do it with a Pinteresque style...use the phrase "The weasel under the cocktail cabinet" in a serious manner-preferably to the question "what was this relationship all about?"
23.Quote Oscar Wilde: "Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative"
24.Follow the sex tips in Cosmo
25.Give them a Striped Carnation (its meaning is "sorry I can't be with you..wish I could")
26.Do it with words with a k in them..because words with a k in them are funny
27.Introduce them to someone as your friend
28.Write a song about them entitled "_________ the sentimental pathetic bitch"
29.Leave wearing nice shoes and don't look back
30.Wear a sports bra then say as condescendingly as possible say "honey its a sports bra."
31.Make an interpretive dance,involving packing your bags to "Exit Music (for a film) by Chris O'Riley
32.Quote Holly Golightly: "I'm like cat here, a no-name slob. We belong to nobody, and nobody belongs to us. We don't even belong to each other."
33.Tell them that everything in your life makes you miserable and they are the only thing you can expel. end with "tell you mom and you sister I love them."
34.Do it while they look at cuteoverload.com
35.Make a really good mix tape with breakup songs...and give them a top five list of reasons why you can't be with them. Finally encourage them to not place you on their top five heartache's of all time.
36.Start with remember that time...and think of the best memory you can think of and then say.."yeah that's how I want to remember you...not like this."
37.Write a poem, don't make it rhyme...please. Can copy "13 Ways of Looking at a Blackbird" by Wallace Stevens
38.Give them a clove cigarette while you do it and yourself red wine.
39.Get caught with their sibling....say "my (pause) bad" and continue.
40.Make a stop ani-mation movie go here for ideas: http://stopmotionanimation.com/gallery/
41.Create a Wikipedia article, have others edit the facts.
42."FIGHT. Come on then, it's a real live fight."
43.Chair dance and sing "Mein Herr" from Cabaret
44.Pull A Roxie Heart- Kill him when you realize he won't make you a star. Leave singing "drive my car" by the Beatles
45.Read a section of Crave out loud by Sarah Kane..don't read the nice long monologue.
46.Race them..who ever wins gets to decide whether or not you stay together.
47.Design your own t-shirt at customink.com,with a catchy breakup slogan. Sell them.
48.Find a way to get them banned for life from Target.
49.Leave a post-it note.
50.or as Paul Simon would say "just slip out the back Jack."

*Most of these items are not by any means original. For information on the original source, leave a comment.

Editing Creation after 3 years

Out of 444 posts I kept 161. The reasons for the unpublished items varied, but the main one is embarrassment. I don't want 70 (literally) posts about Owen anymore. In other words, I have become less willing to publicly embarrass myself. Right now "Owen-esc posting" and other posts about other boys and other far away memories are where all memories should be in a photo box or hidden journal, safe for the soul.

Basically I edited the contents to keep with major themes of my life thus far and to better fit who I am today.The entries themselves have not been touched besides a quick spell checking. So forgive the bad writing.

I kept all the fiction, poems, one liners, and even 18 posts about Owen, well nineteen now. But believe me this editing is not final in three years I will probably do the same.

-alex

Every thing redone. I deleted a lot. I spell checked it all. That doesn't mean the writing is good.