A person can be lonely even if he is loved by many people, because he is still not the "One and Only" to anyone

Anne Frank said this. I think she was a genius and not just because I am playing her. By the way tomorrow is opening night. I am afraid that the person I am portraying I will also be betraying. I fear I will be a horrible Anne Frank. I will let her down. She was amazing and well I have this horrible feeling that she will be watching tomorrow night and going "ach what is wrong with that girl...people think that is me ach" I've curled my hair and I feel I know my lines well enough. I just feel that I'm not ready to be Anne. I'm not ready to portray such an innocent person, who had such a vigor for life.

She makes me always want to write. Every time I read her diary or do a certain part of the play I have this huge urge to write everything I feel down. Unfortunately I forget that I am not a decent writer. And while I am so much better at writing than I am talking I can never express my true thoughts when I want to say them. I end up saying something that I don't even really think, or understand. Then the ironic thing is later I will think of the genius thing to say...but alas it makes no sense to say in the middle of English "You cannot control hate because you cannot control love there has to be an equal balance." ( the religion conversation of last week) and on top of that I feel this huge urge to do something great...something amazing. I want to be good. Unfortunately this feeling gets lost. I have lost some sort of innocence although I cannot really place my finger on what exactly I am no longer innocent in. I feel, well I feel like a horrid person. I know Thales and others say I'm a good person, but I can't see it.

I wish I could help people and leave behind some of my selfishness, more than help people I want to understand people I want to listen. (I haven't forgotten about my new years resolution...refer to 1/2 its the COW of the week) I want to be one of those people who can truly empathize with a person. I feel so incredibly selfish...this is worsened by Owen. He did not do it intentionally how could he have known my insecurity on being selfish?

I have also decided something fundamental about my religion, if Jesus really is the only way to get to heaven. I don't want to believe in it. I refuse to believe that Anne Frank is not in heaven because she is Jewish. I refuse to believe it, more than that I have decided that I don't want to be in a heaven that is not open to Jewish people, or any other faiths. My God is not that shallow, and if he is then I don't want him to be my God.

Well, I think that is enough Alex theology for one night.