The Small Tiger

I wrote this poem in fourth grade, the art teacher didn't like it, but to this day I still consider it one of my works of genius!

Instead black it has white
it is not quite a fright.
it is small, meek, and loving to.
But very fast!
and sometime vast.
But when it sees its prey,
it usually runs away!
It is my cat Milo!

It's the Perfect Time of Year Somewhere Far Away From Here

In eighth grade I was extremely little, very skinny, had no idea what a hair brush was, and thought it was cool to wear baggy cloths. Beauty was not a word used often when if came to me. Yet when it comes to having some of the greatest memories of my life that is when they occurred. I had two very dear friends Susan and Anthony and a boy I was crazy about. I sat next to Eric every day in band, crossing my legs really cute like with my French horn across my lap. I never looked pretty, but I felt pretty. And I was loved by this boy for having a rockin' personality.

In tenth grade I finally grew into myself, I learned what a brush was as well as a curling iron, hair spray, curlers, and clips. I still had an odd sense of fashion but had grown into myself a bit better. I was pretty ( if I'm not to bold to say). I had become rather shy, realizing that boys were something that existed, and never dating before, I was becoming more and more concerned with my appearance. When Nick came into my life and asked me to homecoming. I had some of the most exciting memories of my life from here. This boy loved me for my beauty, but I was still loved.

In eleventh grade I grew more and became more self confident. I knew what I wanted to be and why I wanted to be it, I knew who I was and why. I was sure of my life and all of my actions. I was confident enough to make it known to Owen that I loved him, because of this I have some of the sweetest, moments of my life. I was loved once again, but this time for my confidence.

I would not give any of these years up, in fact I consider them vital to the person I am today. I am not as confident as I was last year, I now am unsure of some of the things I do. I am not as care free as I was in eight grade, I think before I talk, but I am not as shy as I was in tenth grade. I am not loved by any particular boy, but I can say that this year will hold some of the most hopeful memories of my life, and that I am truly loved, by my self. Which is goal I constantly strive for.

When I Wake Up

Don't you just hate that feeling when you wake up and have that excited feeling in the pit of your stomach? When you just feel like there is a spark, something that makes today different from any other day? When you have a desire to be the best you can be, have an unseen beauty? You don't know the reason at first and then it hits you...It's a uncertainty, a nervousness, its a boy. Yeah I don't either.

Oh how silly am I?

Yesterday

Several things happened to me yesterday, of which all where rather odd. I actually gave a decent talk in English, about my views on success, life, and happiness. I was terribly embarrassed when Sachi told me she wrote it all down, word for word. Miss Tapia told me my views were amazing and Thales says I'm truly mature, Ashley claimed them fantastic, yet I still can't comprehend what is so radical about wanting to be happy in whatever you do, and realizing that the time you have now may be all you ever get, so why not just enjoy it? I just assumed everyone strived for this.

Then I lost my gift to talk like I write when I ordered Pizza, loosing all ability to speak in English. I muttered something to the beautiful pizza man....What I am not sure, but the look I received was not reassuring.

And finally around nine o'clock I gained it back, and had an amazing conversation, where for once in my life, I said what I wanted to say when I wanted to say it, with no regrets. There was no stuttering, or long pauses, tears,or awkwardness, and in between talking of what was, we talked about movies, or college. There was no hatred, or love, no distress, or anger. There was just understanding, which is odd because no one else would ever understand how one could feel alright talking, so seriously, about what was.

Some words should never be spoken
some never silenced
pride is hardly broken
a connection has been mended
but not to some final end
I am still confused and broken
but now I know a final thought:
hate is not forever,
and anger can only last so long,
but a comfort is never ending,
and while I cannot give it
to those in the greatest need
I can at least offer
to repay what was given to me.

COW of the Week

The case this week is examining last years resolutions and see how they measure up. My first resolution was to listen more, I know personally I still chat a ridiculous amount when I shouldn't and I am dead silent when I should speak up. Though I feel overall what I want to say is getting heard more, although it will always be a constant goal of mine to be more assertive...In the right places. My second was to not socialize....Well obviously that didn't happen. The third was to not gossip, yeah obviously that did not happen either, but in all fairness to me I have learned more of what is appropriate to talk about and what is not. I still do not take vitamins (which was my fourth goal) and I stopped trying to make excuses. I feel I have started to eat better though, which was my fifth and final resolution.

It does not seem like I have been very successful, but when asked have I fulfilled my resolutions, the answer is yes. Because just realizing these events and concerns makes me more aware. I know that I don't want to be this type of person: a gossiping, bad eater, who never shuts up. But I feel that I am not therefore my resolutions are successful. At least that is my mind set, I am aware that I have bits of each in me still but I like to think of my self as: a good conversationalist, who's a social eater, and just has a lot to say.

And the new year begins.

Happy New Year

OK so this is the last post of the year (ooooh ahhhhh) but before I get into new year resolutions I should tell you about my trip to DC. It was so fun, I really like spending time with dad, and we got to do a lot of interesting things....None of which I can think to name right now. I met Janet dads new girl friend, she's very nice, and if you are wondering what she is like I can tell you: mom. But that isn't necessarily a bad thing (unless they both start with the hoe jokes)
year

OK so my resolutions for this year:

1. To never ask "How are you?" with out truly wanting an answer.

2. To ask a ridiculous amount of questions

3. To get things the way I want them ( I'm mainly talking about hot tea, when I asked for ice tea, I need to be brave enough to stand up the the waitress!)

4. To enjoy the year ahead of me and realize that it is going to be one of the best years of my life.

5. To be more positive. ( and to kick some one's ass with my words!(not that I like being mean mind you...but everyone should do it at least once) any volunteers?)

Alex's remedies For Unhappiness (at least Temporarily)

1.Take a mental health day.
2. Wear no makeup
3. Intentionally mess up your hair....Put odd things in it, try a new hair style.
4. Wear your favorite out fit...Of the day. Like a pink fifties dress, with pleats that go to your knees
5. Don't where shoes ( A thing that I rarely like to do)
6. Listen to the Cd's "Stunt" by The Bare Naked Ladies, "Stripped" By Christina Agualara, And any Spice Girl CD you posses. ( you know you own one...)
7. Sing along to these songs, and if its spice girls you must dance.
8. Watch a movie..Preferably a romantic comedy, and/ or British (Bridget Jones Diary, or Chocolate fit great)
9. Eat any thing and everything.
10. Laugh
11. Then cry... It makes you feel better.
12. Make up scenes and act them out in your mirror.
13. Give yourself an Oscar for the scene you acted. ( acceptance speeches are always nice)
14. Finally decide how you want to change for tomorrow.
15. Realize that you won't ever change tomorrow.

From the Editor

Dear Brian,
PAY ATTENTION TO ME!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! I have to admit you are one of my favorite people and understand two sides of me that many people don't even know about: my obsession with the X-files, and Christina Agulara. I love how you always make my day brighten by signing "Dirty" or "ooh baby you want me?".Your style is rockin' and your enthusiasm over star trek and the x-files in truly admirable. I have known you since sixth grade, and you haven't lost that wonderful spirit and carefree boldness. No one is out of bounds for an impression or a comment by you. You talk to everyone and I think that is an amazing talent. Not to mention you looked so suave when you came to get me for homecoming (who's the sex machine with all the chicks?) I love that your not afraid to dance to "dirty" with me. I think my favorite memory with you is when you ran up and started dirty dancing with me right in front of Owen and then while grinding you turned to him and said "sorry I'm humping your girlfriend".I also think that it is hilarious that you won't ever really slap my ass. Your are the only boy I know that could get away with trying to lift my skirt up and not get slapped. You always think of me whether its getting key chains with X-files stuff on it or sending me post cards from Europe, and I love that. Your a fantastic artist, even if one of your drawings is of me Catherine Zeta, kissing Andy. I have so many wonderful things to say about you I could go on forever and ever. Stay cool always and remember I love you bebe!

Utopia INC.

I never fully understood why Nick Kapustinsky would not do drama at St. Mikes... Oh I understood the annoyances: No real stage, no curtain, lights that default, sound that defaults, bad sets, no props, bad actors, a nice but very loud coach.... He always thought he could and still can do better than this. That there was more to acting. Yet for me the chance to act always over powered all of this.

As long as I can remember I have had the secret urge to be in the spot light, hear the applause, live in that life. My child hood years where spent being made up characters. I constancy put on shows for my parents, wore costumes, created moves and pretend sets. All for the fun of it. I have always loved acting, its apart of me...

My desire as an actress is to be like an ephemeral moth, live for about 3 days as another person, get drawn to the light, have that be your whole focus, and then die. In the words of Dave Matthews: "when I step into the light my arms are open widely, when I step into the light my eyes searching blindly would you not like to be sitting on top of the world with your legs hanging free?"

So then why did I feel like Nick when it came to this play?
Its not that the play was bad, or anything... just my heart was somewhere else. I love all the people, please understand that, I think there is an extreme amount of talent. It sounds very selfish to say but I felt I was to big for this stage. I guess I will never fully understand why.

"I love acting. It is so much more real than life."
Wish me luck darlings...tonight in opening night!

Mirror, Mirror...

If my heart were not broken, if my mind was not torn, if I wasn't in pieces then I wouldn't be adorn. I am talked and hushed about. Oh how lovely to hear, the silenced words that are echoed when I am not near! There is passion and hunger here! Eat when your hungry and drink when your full. Run while you can and hide when you can't. Try to get through the day, swallow your pride, everyone is gossip and then sat aside. If I ate everything up where would I be? I need the drama just as everyone needs me. I want to be the dish, the center, the focus. Oh how I wish! You can't stop me. I'll do what I want. If you have something to say then please stab me in the front. So here in my chant to all who wish to chase: catch my if you want to taste. Swallow me, devour me, rip me apart, your mouth will be silence and your drama lost. And I will have paid the ultimate cost.

How True

This man is boring. He only wants to talk about himself. I want to talk about myself.

But you understand...

COW of the Week

The list of events Alex has enjoyed over the past week:
1. The surprise party thrown by my family and friends
2. Watching Cabaret
3. Finding that I had black knee highs that go above my knees
4. Realizing while talking to Thales that I am happy.
5. Feeling greatly relieved when the new "I heart Metal" song called " Alex the sentimental, pathetic bitch" was not written by Owen. Even more relieved to find out the singers name was Alex.

Birthday!

So today I am 18. wow. 18 who knew?

I'm wondering when does getting presents loose its fun?

A Thought

He walks ahead, striding, searching for someone, looking for something to hold on to, anything to appreciate. And I scream silently "turn around."

I am what is called "a day later genius" If only my revelations could be on time.

For Kyle

I do not know when my mind changed when I became part of the grown-up world. I assume when one lives under another's customs eventually they become your own. The little prince appeared to me, on the third day and asked me to write the word sheep. I could not understand why he would want it written when I had already drawn him one, but I obliged and wrote out the word "sheep", along with the sketch I was working on. The little prince looked confused and then went away. He returned a few moments later with the picture of the box in hand along with the word "peesh". I told him that was not how you spell sheep, he said very concerned "Why then, did you tell me to spell it that way?" I was struck I had spelled sheep right, but forgetting I was not the one who needed to know how to spell sheep ( for I had concerned myself with matters of spelling and geography since the age of six)I had written the words to face me and upside down "sheep" is spelled "peesh". I realized my mind is not in the same place it was, I alas, have never read a word that is upside down before.Grown-ups, including myself, are very odd indeed.

"But I, alas, do not know how to see sheep through the walls of boxes. Perhaps I am a little like the grown-ups. I have had to grow old."