Happy New Year

OK so this is the last post of the year (ooooh ahhhhh) but before I get into new year resolutions I should tell you about my trip to DC. It was so fun, I really like spending time with dad, and we got to do a lot of interesting things....None of which I can think to name right now. I met Janet dads new girl friend, she's very nice, and if you are wondering what she is like I can tell you: mom. But that isn't necessarily a bad thing (unless they both start with the hoe jokes)
year

OK so my resolutions for this year:

1. To never ask "How are you?" with out truly wanting an answer.

2. To ask a ridiculous amount of questions

3. To get things the way I want them ( I'm mainly talking about hot tea, when I asked for ice tea, I need to be brave enough to stand up the the waitress!)

4. To enjoy the year ahead of me and realize that it is going to be one of the best years of my life.

5. To be more positive. ( and to kick some one's ass with my words!(not that I like being mean mind you...but everyone should do it at least once) any volunteers?)

Alex's remedies For Unhappiness (at least Temporarily)

1.Take a mental health day.
2. Wear no makeup
3. Intentionally mess up your hair....Put odd things in it, try a new hair style.
4. Wear your favorite out fit...Of the day. Like a pink fifties dress, with pleats that go to your knees
5. Don't where shoes ( A thing that I rarely like to do)
6. Listen to the Cd's "Stunt" by The Bare Naked Ladies, "Stripped" By Christina Agualara, And any Spice Girl CD you posses. ( you know you own one...)
7. Sing along to these songs, and if its spice girls you must dance.
8. Watch a movie..Preferably a romantic comedy, and/ or British (Bridget Jones Diary, or Chocolate fit great)
9. Eat any thing and everything.
10. Laugh
11. Then cry... It makes you feel better.
12. Make up scenes and act them out in your mirror.
13. Give yourself an Oscar for the scene you acted. ( acceptance speeches are always nice)
14. Finally decide how you want to change for tomorrow.
15. Realize that you won't ever change tomorrow.

From the Editor

Dear Brian,
PAY ATTENTION TO ME!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! I have to admit you are one of my favorite people and understand two sides of me that many people don't even know about: my obsession with the X-files, and Christina Agulara. I love how you always make my day brighten by signing "Dirty" or "ooh baby you want me?".Your style is rockin' and your enthusiasm over star trek and the x-files in truly admirable. I have known you since sixth grade, and you haven't lost that wonderful spirit and carefree boldness. No one is out of bounds for an impression or a comment by you. You talk to everyone and I think that is an amazing talent. Not to mention you looked so suave when you came to get me for homecoming (who's the sex machine with all the chicks?) I love that your not afraid to dance to "dirty" with me. I think my favorite memory with you is when you ran up and started dirty dancing with me right in front of Owen and then while grinding you turned to him and said "sorry I'm humping your girlfriend".I also think that it is hilarious that you won't ever really slap my ass. Your are the only boy I know that could get away with trying to lift my skirt up and not get slapped. You always think of me whether its getting key chains with X-files stuff on it or sending me post cards from Europe, and I love that. Your a fantastic artist, even if one of your drawings is of me Catherine Zeta, kissing Andy. I have so many wonderful things to say about you I could go on forever and ever. Stay cool always and remember I love you bebe!

Utopia INC.

I never fully understood why Nick Kapustinsky would not do drama at St. Mikes... Oh I understood the annoyances: No real stage, no curtain, lights that default, sound that defaults, bad sets, no props, bad actors, a nice but very loud coach.... He always thought he could and still can do better than this. That there was more to acting. Yet for me the chance to act always over powered all of this.

As long as I can remember I have had the secret urge to be in the spot light, hear the applause, live in that life. My child hood years where spent being made up characters. I constancy put on shows for my parents, wore costumes, created moves and pretend sets. All for the fun of it. I have always loved acting, its apart of me...

My desire as an actress is to be like an ephemeral moth, live for about 3 days as another person, get drawn to the light, have that be your whole focus, and then die. In the words of Dave Matthews: "when I step into the light my arms are open widely, when I step into the light my eyes searching blindly would you not like to be sitting on top of the world with your legs hanging free?"

So then why did I feel like Nick when it came to this play?
Its not that the play was bad, or anything... just my heart was somewhere else. I love all the people, please understand that, I think there is an extreme amount of talent. It sounds very selfish to say but I felt I was to big for this stage. I guess I will never fully understand why.

"I love acting. It is so much more real than life."
Wish me luck darlings...tonight in opening night!

Mirror, Mirror...

If my heart were not broken, if my mind was not torn, if I wasn't in pieces then I wouldn't be adorn. I am talked and hushed about. Oh how lovely to hear, the silenced words that are echoed when I am not near! There is passion and hunger here! Eat when your hungry and drink when your full. Run while you can and hide when you can't. Try to get through the day, swallow your pride, everyone is gossip and then sat aside. If I ate everything up where would I be? I need the drama just as everyone needs me. I want to be the dish, the center, the focus. Oh how I wish! You can't stop me. I'll do what I want. If you have something to say then please stab me in the front. So here in my chant to all who wish to chase: catch my if you want to taste. Swallow me, devour me, rip me apart, your mouth will be silence and your drama lost. And I will have paid the ultimate cost.

How True

This man is boring. He only wants to talk about himself. I want to talk about myself.

But you understand...

COW of the Week

The list of events Alex has enjoyed over the past week:
1. The surprise party thrown by my family and friends
2. Watching Cabaret
3. Finding that I had black knee highs that go above my knees
4. Realizing while talking to Thales that I am happy.
5. Feeling greatly relieved when the new "I heart Metal" song called " Alex the sentimental, pathetic bitch" was not written by Owen. Even more relieved to find out the singers name was Alex.

Birthday!

So today I am 18. wow. 18 who knew?

I'm wondering when does getting presents loose its fun?

A Thought

He walks ahead, striding, searching for someone, looking for something to hold on to, anything to appreciate. And I scream silently "turn around."

I am what is called "a day later genius" If only my revelations could be on time.

For Kyle

I do not know when my mind changed when I became part of the grown-up world. I assume when one lives under another's customs eventually they become your own. The little prince appeared to me, on the third day and asked me to write the word sheep. I could not understand why he would want it written when I had already drawn him one, but I obliged and wrote out the word "sheep", along with the sketch I was working on. The little prince looked confused and then went away. He returned a few moments later with the picture of the box in hand along with the word "peesh". I told him that was not how you spell sheep, he said very concerned "Why then, did you tell me to spell it that way?" I was struck I had spelled sheep right, but forgetting I was not the one who needed to know how to spell sheep ( for I had concerned myself with matters of spelling and geography since the age of six)I had written the words to face me and upside down "sheep" is spelled "peesh". I realized my mind is not in the same place it was, I alas, have never read a word that is upside down before.Grown-ups, including myself, are very odd indeed.

"But I, alas, do not know how to see sheep through the walls of boxes. Perhaps I am a little like the grown-ups. I have had to grow old."

Odd...

I'm speech president...doesn't really feel deserved...I shouldn't be a leader of anything, let alone something about talking...Odd (please don't leave comments how about how much I deserved it... this is not a pity sentence)

In lighter news my ass really hurt all day today and I couldn't figure out why, then while taking my cloths off I discovered what appears to be five scratches on my ass, about three to five inches in diameter, in the shape of a claw...Odd ( don't leave me whore jokes for comments either. )

COW of the Week

Has anyone ever noticed on the comments if I get one or less it says "Poseurs" and if I get two or more its comments? What is that?

Oh hey and if your looking for some fun try this:Click here to "Shizzolate that shit" Kristin gave me the web site... believe me its worth trying.

Universe of Two

Once I knew a boy
and then he changed
and I hated him
I couldn't stand to look at him
but he should of noticed me
and then I changed
and I couldn't stop staring
I wanted to talk to him non stop
and then I changed,
when he changed
creating two new people.
and then he moved.
and then I stayed,
like two revolving planets
never touching or stopping
always spinning,
creating a universe of two.

Flowers For Alex

The other day I was driving down the street on my way to the Steak Smith to have a LaSallian Youth Meeting and I started to think how long it had been since anyone had given me flowers and how much I really like that. For getting flowers means one of two things: A. There is something really important in your life happening like Graduation or a Dance, or B. Someone really likes you. I love feeling special so I get rather excited when I receive flowers. While I was thinking on this I really wished I had a reason to get flowers. I kept driving and I went around the curve and in the middle of the road there was a bunch of cut sunflowers sitting there. I stopped my car and got out and picked up the flowers. The rest of my day was rather pleasant.

My Eyes are as Big as Quarters and I can't See a Thing.

Often I can't catch up with life. I have always had the feeling I am behind. What I mean by this is when I was twelve I was still way more into playing with Barbies than boys, I didn't get a boyfriend until tenth grade. I was late on the whole thong wearing thing, and normally I am a year behind in fashion. Even my voice tends to follow this pattern I talk like I'm nine. I find myself worrying about this year because what if I'm not ready? What if I am the year behind like normal? My life will go on, but will I catch up? I feel like I am running a losing race and falling behind even more. I'm being lapped by my peers and left behind on, the black surface of my lane, only to finish and find I'm alone on the AstroTurf. I'm running as fast as I can and yet I'm in the dust. Ben Rogers is first, followed by Nick and Connor and Bridget and Liz Roney and Katie Alward. Running ahead to meet life and I am here, breathing hard with tears from my eyes and I'm not sure if its because I'm so tired I can't go on or because I'm so hurt I don't want to. I can't expect any of them to wait for me, that would be asking to much when your ahead of life you don't have time to wait for it. I only wish I could catch up, or have a moment to catch my breath.

My Day in One Word

Run! Go! Change! No! Leave! Walk! Sit! Stay! Tuck in! Dont Sin! Shake! Listen! Find! Live! Do! See! Be! Silent! Talk! Locker! Home! Field! Eat! Drink! Read! Write! Run again! Ball! Goal! SHIT!!

COW of the Week

The COW took a brief vacation but now is back!
I have two cases for this week, the first one being we started school, oh I hate it. And the second one being I almost died today, my sister and me got into my car. We smelled gas really bad but thought it was the other cars, I was almost out of the school parking lot when my car stalled, I kept trying to restart it and restart it, it was dead. Then Sara got behind me and I tried to wave her on but she just thought I was saying "hi." When I opened my door to tell her to go on I saw gas everywhere, running all through the parking lot. I got my car towed and the mechanic said my car should have blown up. Yet I feel I am being way over dramatic on this whole story.

Ode To Summer

Today, while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine
A million tomorrow's shall all pass away
ere I forget all the joys that are mine today.

I'll be your dandy and I'll be your rover
you know who I am by the song that I sing
I'll feast at your table, I'll sleep in your clover
who cares what tomorrow shall bring.

Today, while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine
A million tomorrow's shall all pass away
ere I forget all the joys that are mine today.

I can't be contented with yesterdays glories
I can't live on promises winter to spring
today is a new day and now here's my story
I'll laugh and I'll cry and I'll sing.

Today, while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine
A million tomorrow's shall all pass away
ere I forget all the joys that are mine today.

Here's Looking at You...Kid

Over the past year or so I have been told repetitively that I am an adult, I am big. I was a counselor and was in charge of others. I am going to be a senior and 18. I have responsibility's and priorities. I am in charge and I'm on top of the high school food chain....

And then Greg (the Greg) calls me kid. "Hey kid how you doing?" "Good seeing you again kid" (while patting my head) "hey kid, how you holding up?" The world of being big crashes down upon me and once again I am six. I am little. Seniors are inconsequential, compared to college kids. 18 means nothing to a 23 year old. SAT's, how about GRE's or MCAT's...high school is lost. Sitting in a to-big-for-me chair with what feels like my feet are dangling, all I can think is I'm little.

Then I realize a 23 year old is nothing to a 30 year old, just as a 30 year old is nothing compared to a 50 year old and a 50 year old is young to a person who is 80. And once you really are on top of the age chain, once you are truly "big"...you've really just shrunken and are back to having someone take care of you and ask you "how you doing, Nana" " "Nana how you holding up?" Funny how that works.

God Camp

I had an absolute blast! I met some of the nicest people in the world. I actually felt for once that I was truly doing my part to help. I worked at a blind community center and met a really nice woman named Arlene. She was a southern Baptist, black lady, who was just sooooooo sweet. We took the blind people to a model train museum, made arts and crafts with them, and mainly just kept them company. It was so much fun.

On Wednesday we went to the beach, let me tell you there is nothing better than having waves crash into you and lifting you up off your feet, rushing past your head, and then bringing you back down. I wish I could have stayed in that moment forever.

Thursday we went down to Mexico, and saw the border and how the wall goes into the Ocean. Then we went to the Lasallian school there and had a prayer service and a party. It looked like one of those doctor pepper commercials, you know a party in a court yard. There was the best food I have ever had, including Taco's. The school hired a mariachi band to play. Then they put on music, I got to dance to Achy, brakey heart in Spanish, and that song that goes "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire." This was another moment I could have lived in forever. How lucky am I to have two of those moments in one week?

I met awesome people including Jimmy, Carlos, and a kid named Peter Brady! ( how awesome is that, to be named after a Brady Bunch Character)? I was very sad to leave.

Wow

Last night I went to Borders with Bridget and we ran into Ben. Then we walked over to Cafe Paris and got deserts...very much fun.

I'm going to get Ice Cream or Coffee sometime on Saturday with Greg... He called and I called him back and we talked, yeah....I'm excited.

Be Martyrs But don't Die

Each summer I go to Hummingbird Music Camp and it seems like each year I forget how much I truly love it there. I got up there and went to the Hummingbird meeting, got my awesome orange shirt (that says your a counselor), and met up with a lot of my friends from last year including Bridget, Jessica, Chris, and Noah. Then there were CIT's from last year that were counselors this year including my Beth, Anna and Phil. The only new person that none of us new was Kyle, but he turned out to be really nice. The head counselors this year were Liz (the most awesome girl alive), Robyn, Katie, Jeff, Frank, and Pat. I stayed on the Left side of Pierson (the girls dorm) or as Liz and I referred to it, the "hot side." Beth was on the "cool side" of Pierson. Our side didn't have air conditioning..but it could be taken other ways to.

So the schedule goes like this:
Sunday is square dancing
Monday is the camp fire
Tuesday is the overnight
Wednesday is game night
Thursday is skit night
Friday is the Moonlight hike
Saturday is the dance.

The camp fire is awesome you sing camp songs for a little while and then the heads do a skit.

On the overnight each counselor group has to make a skit, they are rather fun. The first week I did a quest and the second week I did a synchronized swimming contest. The best part about the overnight is after the campers go to bed, counselors get the peanut butter party, where we eat peanut butter sandwiches.

At game night all the counselors and CITs get assigned a game to be in charge with. I got Link Tag (best game ever besides big fat pony) and ZOO.

Skit Night is awesome all the groups make up skits with skit topics given to them...the skit topics are funny because often they are inside jokes between the head counselors. I did a spelling B skit and the best part about it was Mary Rose saying in a Texan accent "I can remember when she spelled her first word she was running around the house with panties on her head and spelling undies U-N-D-I..." On the second skit night they do Boogaloos. (I think we should do this for Drama) Its where you say " booga, boogaloo, booga, boogaloo. Let me see your (insert name). What did you say? I said Let me see your (insert name) What did you say? I said (insert impression of the person) Mine was a very hyper version of Big Fat Pony. Beth's was "OK I'll do it but only if Alex does" Bridget's was "one out of three ain't bad" Jessica's was "There not my campers" and Phil's was "I lost my curly side burns" (he's Jewish)

Friday is the Moonlight Hike, this is where everyone hikes up to the waterfalls at night and you can shine your flashlight on the falls, and if you sit in the dark for a little while the fire flies appear...it is seriously one of the prettiest things in the entire world. For counselors though this night is hard you have to run ahead of the campers and stand in a dangerous spot, like in front of poison ivy, or another trail, and wait for all the campers to go by then run ahead of them again and do the same thing...this is all up a mountain. Very Tiring. My favorite part about this is when you come down all the counselors stop and Frank says "Turn off your lights, get away from one another, put out your arms and look up and spin as fast as you can" It is so much fun, star spinning.

Saturday is my favorite event, the dance. I LOVE the dance. Imagine prom with you closest friends and awesome themes (like Peter pan) Then take not having a single care about being cool or impressive, add the time warp and with or without you and you get the Hummingbird dance. I love it.
After that is the friend ship circle...there are no words to describe this, no feelings to amount to this, and no way to explain it without making it sound grossly cheesy, also there are some things that need to remain in peoples hearts, and not in there mouths.

Sunday it all starts all over again. The first week I had 20 girls and the second I had 23.

My personal experiences:

I got my underwear stolen...all of it. Anna did a skit on it but she called them "Alex's small cloths". Huge joke as to who took it.

There is the continuing joke of Chris following Noah's advice last year about showers. Noah told Chris that he should get Christina (the girl Chris wanted to hook up with) to look at a leaky shower and kiss her, Noah was joking, Chris took it seriously. So this year Noah mentioned something about the showers and goes "I thought that was pretty funny myself" Eventually him and Anna go and look at the showers and you hear a door slam.

I got a letter from Greg. (THE GREG!!) He wants to get coffee or at least talk... I have to make a great impression...being that I plan to marry him and all. Here's a copy of the letter:

"Dear Alex,
How are things going? Having a good time at camp? As much as I loved Hummingbird I was ready to leave when I did. This summer I'm working with Children's Adventure Company in Santa Fe. Its a blast and a half. I'm so glad Liz is doing well, and a good job. She's a lot of fun. We've gotten very close over the last year.
School is going well for me. I finish in May, which is both exciting and kind of scary. What school are you at? Well, I'd write more but I'm about to leave for Arizona for the next few days. Anyway I'd love to hangout sometime this summer, maybe get coffee, or at least talk. My number is ... so give me a call when you get back. Take care
Greg"

I became rather close to everyone. especially the girl counselors.

The Hookups:
Bridget and Phil (AKA Rabbi Phil) (look at the bread!!!)
Anna and Noah
Chris and Desire (sort of)
Kyle and Maya (check the KP room)
Alex and Robyn (what?!?!?) just play along! (this is such a long story and its not a real hookup it just makes me look interesting)

Over all I had an absolute blast and Liz asked me to train so I think I shall!!!

This is Defiantly An Occasion For Tiny Knickers!

I have become addicted to that movie, "Bridget Jones's Diary" I have this huge need to watch my own pain. Its very masochistic.

I love how when you stare at a clock a minute seems like forever and when your in Br. Paul's religion an hour seems like forever and the last day of school seems like forever, and when you just get your wisdom teeth out a week seems like forever. So when you pass that minute, hour, day, week its like you have passed forever. Your life goes back to super speed.

From the Editor

Dear Thales,
I remember sitting with you at Los Alamos high school, under Dylan's Nazi coat, with our butts going numb, freezing our asses off talking about life and love and everything, and sharing secrets with you that up until that point I had never told anyone and visa-versa. Because you listen. I remember at Kat's party trying to be that friend back to you, trying to listen to you as you did for me. Listening is one of the most important skills in life, never loose it. I love your advice, I feel it is practical and moreover it is honest. The only problem I feel is every now and then you can get a tiny bit pretentious. You listen to others perspectives but you definitely think they are wrong. I think you are wrong in this...let me tell you why...(I'm not hypocritical) No really you are really a good guy. I think you are extremely perceptive, and that is a very special ability.I am often afraid that you are not really my friend, that you hang out with me because I am there, but even if this is true I would like to tell you I consider you one of my best friends. I love your potato gun and your dog. (Its on my list of small animals to steal...besides Beasel.) and while your pyro tendencies freaked me out at my costume party two years ago, I have learned to enjoy it. I also think your hair is amazing...its a freak of nature how you can fluff it up and do all kinds of shit to it and it goes back to being normal...its crazy.
Alex

I started a painting class today, and I must admit I am a little overwhelmed. Everyone in the class has some idea what they are doing they have dealt with color theory and mediums before and know whether they are going to use oil or acrylic and then there is one undecided: me. Besides Asher Lev I am lost to the world of art. It is like speaking another language I hear words like Gamsol, Grumbacher, and Aileron crimson and I'm thinking "je ne se pas Francais" Its so overwhelming.

I am the only person under 25 in there also which makes things slightly difficult the woman tends to baby me. Asking me if I personally have any questions, and so on.

I understand now when Yudel Krinsky tells Asher "Oil colors is an entire Torah, Asher. They mix the original color with a certain oil. With water color, they mic the color with water. That is all I know...but this is even beyond Torah already. That is Gemorra and Tosefos." I never understood that until now. If any one would like to see Chaim Potok's view of "The Brooklyn Crucifixtion" Here.

The Liberation Of Boy's Shorts

I went shopping today for boy's shorts. I highly suggest this to every girl, for several reasons. 1. It is fun to not buy something that you are trying to look good in. 2. They are so comfortable. 3. The sizes make you feel better, because when was the last time I fit into a 16 children's? 4. They also mean that you don't have to shave. 5. Who knows what else you might find in the men's section? I picked out several pairs, then went into the dressing room, as I walked out to show my mother, this other girl about my age was watching me as I went on about all the for mentioned reasons as to why I love boy shorts. I picked out a pair I wanted and as I was leaving the dressing room, she walked in with a pair and gives me a big smile and says "For Liberation" So my new challenge to every girl is to go and buy a pair of boy's shorts and wear them. Its worth the money, to feel so good.

Life is short but Sweet for Certain

I would like everyone do something: Go outside and stand there with your eyes closed, feel the sunlight on your eyelids, your arms, your hair, and then look up at the sky and count the clouds. Listen to the birds, and then spin around trying to see everything on this earth that you possibly can, and realize that this is summer. And while we are only seconds in this world, realize that this is your second.

This is called "Alex"

We Don't Talk About The Little Things That We Do Without

I generally have the same feelings as Anne Frank when it comes to people "In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart" Well this theory for me gets challenged and proved wrong on a fairly regular basis. The main example I can think of lately is when Andrew Fabry called me on Saturday to inform me he couldn't come to prom until around ten, because of a play he had known about for at least two months. I told him I had reservations at eight, he had no intention of not going to the play, so he canceled. So over the past week and some days I have had the opinion that people suck! But I've learned that just as easily as one can be persuaded to one side of an argument the other has its reasons to.

Last night I received a phone call at my grandma's, which is odd because I purposely don't give anyone that number. She goes "Alex it's for you...its a boy" I say "hello?" It was Justin from Los Alamos, Andy's good friend, he called to apologize for Andy and asked how I was, then preceded to flatter me about Steph and I's old duo. I think this was not necessary, but I have a new respect for him, it takes a big person to apologize for themselves, but it takes an even bigger man to apologize for the events they did not do. So I thank Justin, for not only making me feel slightly better, but for restoring my faith in humanity.

In a Fight to Loose

I sort of had a mental break down yesterday...just a slight one. But I'm OK now and I ended up being OK yesterday. Miss Carpenter saved me. Which is semi-ironic because she is mad her self. She let us go sit out in the sunshine. It just raised me spirits, something about sitting out side in the beautiful air with butterfly's flying and birds. The air smelled wonderful. Oh it just made me feel so much better, there wasn't a cloud in the sky ( except for that one section but you could cover it with your hand)

Eat Drink and Be Merry For Tomorrow We Die

I am having horrid writers block. Absolutely horrid. See I have gotten this huge fear of having petty blogs. I don't ever want someone to look back and go "oh just another teenage girl." I am one and I have the same problems as most teenage girls. But I want mine to be expressed differently. I don't want my whole writings to be about the guy who doesn't like me, or how hard my life is. I want to relate. This has become a way for me to convey my message without ever speaking. I loose myself in speech but in words I can say what I want, when I want. I don't want to make people pity me on how hard my life is, or say wow she has a lot of problems. My life is wonderful. That is the basic truth, my life is wonderful.

I've decided I want to be a writer. But I don't know how. I'm no good. I can't write essays to save my life, and I will not pass the AP English test in May. Yet somehow, the feeling I get when typing letters into words, into sentences, flowing together making paragraphs and memories until I've said what I needed to. That's what I want others to feel with what I write. I want them to see my connection to the world.

From the Editor

Dear Owen,
You gave me courage when I needed it, and love all the time. You gave me a guiding hand in the dark (literally) and you always turned to me and said "Hey pretty girl, guess who I just saw? YOU! love ya babe" You always made me feel special, and when you held me I knew that everything was going to be all right. I'm only sorry I could not return the favor for you.

You proved me wrong a thousand times over. I loved you Owen.

As Always,
Alex

The Worst Day For Alex

So I decided to go back into my memories since today is rather boring and this is the first day I thought of:

I never fit in well in kindergarten...maybe it was because I didn't talk or because I thought I was a blue fairy. But what ever it was I wasn't very social. So when it was parents week my dad came and talked to my kindergarten class. This was normally the favorite time of little kindergartners everywhere, and it would have been mine too...except for one small thing: my dad came in full Lakota dress. I was made to dress up also...wearing my little moccasins, feather in my hair, and all my jewelry. I remember the dreaded question my father asked "Now who in here knows my daughter?" Every hand pointed to me. For most of my childhood I had night mares about hundreds of little fingers pointing in my direction followed by the most famous question of all "What's that around your neck?...What's in it?" Then the famous answer "Ugh...Mom!"

Although the rest of my elementary years were spent not telling anyone I was Indian and staying out of the sun. I found that no one ever asked unless it was a standardized test. I have sense come to cope with this fear of being thought different and odd because of being Lakota Sioux...so last year I got up the nerve to wear my sisters Jingle Dress into class. There were no fingers at me, nor were there any war chants. But unfortunately I got the question. "What's that around your neck?" followed by its friend: "What's in it?" and then to bring down the years of self therapy: "ugh...really?"

The answers to these questions that could result it that sort of an answer and have always been well...different and odd. It is a beaded turtle around my neck and what is in it is my umbilical cord. It tells everything about me to a person who knows how to look. It says I am an Indian, that I am a girl, my colors, and my religion, not to mention it tells a bit of my name by pointing south and most important it is the bond with my mother. My family was involved in making it: my mother made me. my father sewed it and my aunt beaded it. I am this necklace and more importantly I am different and odd.

I still get that Kindergarten fear, some things don't go away easily, for the rest of my life I will be the little girl with the feather in her hair wanting to cry. But I have come to accept that when all the children pointed at me, they were only being honest I am my father's child and when they asked what was around my neck people only want to know why I am my fathers child.

From the Editor

Dear Kristin,
I often ask God why I deserve a friend like you. I love you. You have never gotten pissed at me ( to my knowledge), never told any of my secrets or chastised me for thinking them. You wrote letters for two weeks straight when I was at camp. You remember everything I love, I've never met a person who cares so much about me. You miss me when I go away! You make always want to come back. You love fire and matches! You make my valentines day cards green, that's how much you care about me. When I felt awful one day you wrote me this: "

YAY GREEN PEN

Hey you!!
Don't feel bad! Get Glad!!!
MATTHEW PERRY!!!!
GREEN!!!
DAVE MATTHEW'S!!! ( I don't know if I spelled it right)
FLICKERSTICK!!!!
NICK (in a pink bow)
ME!!! haha
MILO!!!!
ALEX IS THE COOLEST PERSON IN THE WORLD!!
Do you feel slightly better now? I hope you do!!!!"
Then in really big letters "ALEX ROCKS"

All I have to do is read that and some how I feel better. Thanks for everything you have done. In seventh grade if I had only known the friend I would receive by asking you to open my Snapple I would have asked quicker. You make me want to be a better friend..and adopt a kitten. ( Greg was my baby kitten). So this is for you:

FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE

We love to Boogie (Pronounced Boooogay)

So for once I was living life instead of writing about it...but that's over. I scribbled things I wanted to write about in the back of my Mama Day book.

So on the plane ride to Denver the people had way to much fun with the intercom. Big Mike (as he was called. He was actually about 5' 2"..at most.) had like a split personality that would come on and give us orders to buckle our seat belts. Then they proceeded to sing to "Brittany in E4 since it was her birthday" we had switched seats. Britt didn't help when she started to sing happy birthday to me also. Finally when the plane landed we hear, in a creepy Darth Vader voice" Power shield has been disarmed ." Odd.

The pane ride to Washington was uneventful. But on the way home there was this teenage cheerleader and I'm assuming her kid sister, who was no older than four. The older girl was singing and dancing "We got the booty.. ooooh oooh now turn it around. (repeat)" This wouldn't have been funny or cute at all except the little girl was doing all the movements and singing the song too. Words don't do this justice.

I went to the Holocaust museum and I walked through the exhibit. I saw the wall dedicated to Anne Frank. I stared at it for a while. Then the little girl next to me said "Look Mom Anne Frank" and pointed at me. The mother proceeded to correct her. I watched a video that had survivors talking... I started to cry when a woman was telling the story of how she was standing next to her mother and they over heard the guards talking about how women with children will get gassed. So the mother runs to her other daughter and grabs her son, telling her that women with children have it easier and she couldn't do the hard labor. Right then the SS guards took her away. She made the ultimate sacrifice to her daughter. I then went into the memorial room. Candles surrounded the room and the names of all the concentration camps were on the walls. I went and lit a candle for Anne Frank and told her thanks for letting me play her. I started to ball. I have never felt such hurt over someone I didn't know. I bought her diary in hard cover. I felt like I had completed my role as Anne Frank when I left the museum.

That night we went home and watched movies I watched Casablanca but I couldn't/ didn't want to watch K-pax. (Victor Lazlo hot-hot-hot). We went to the zoo and saw the Panda's. They look like big stuffed animals, that eat. We also saw a baby elephant. Very cute!! There was protesting at DuPont circle. Fun! Fun! Dad wouldn't let me do it. He said to many people get arrested.

I went to the air and space museum and the museum of natural history. They have all kinds of interesting things ranging from red baron memorabilia to a mummy to a space ship to a Neanderthal! It is amazing.

Then Britt and I took a tour of congress...well we took a glimpse of congress and went through a lot of medal detectors! So many things were restricted. After wards we were walking over to union station and who do you thing we stand behind? Senator Liberman and his bodyguard! Which is ironic because from what I saw Liberman was big enough to take care of himself. Oh well. We walked back to dads after getting Chinese food at union station in the rain. Rain there is different from rain here. There it rains for hours, but never really pours. Its very nice.

The next day Britt and I went on the subway and there was this janitor mopping the floor and singing the blues. I wanted to stand there all day a listen to him...but I had a metro to catch! We went to the mall, four floors, 400 hundred stores, and I hated it. I thought its stupid to spend a 170 dollars on something that is designed to look old and retro and that 10,000 other people have!

On the way home there was a very cute kitty, on his collar it said "Jules Peace Live" with a peace symbol on it. I thought that was very creative send a cute kitty in the world to spread peace.

I also went to Charlottesville to see UVA and then to Williamsburg to see The College of William and Mary. Both are extremely beautiful! I get all nervous when I think about college...very nervous!

Then we went to Eastern Market on Saturday and then to eat more Chinese food. The waiter was so funny he kept trying to learn Spanish so he was repeating constantly "Me-llamo Xing" Then I flew home and watched TV with a very hot butcher who got his hand stuck in a meet grinder!

Parks Are For Lonely People.

I wrote this earlier:

I am sitting in a park. I have no reason to be here. I just thought for once I would do what everyone tells me I'm good at doing...observe. The ironic thing is not one else is here. I could observe myself but where would that get me? I'd know if I were right or wrong.

So what am I doing besides blowing bubbles and wasting my time? Well, for one I'm buttoning my coat and now I'm brushing the hair out of my face with my left hand. I'm trembling a bit. My hair fell back in my face. Waiting might be true, for a while I expect a person to show up. I have no idea who this person might be. A friend? I would hope...being that its never fun to be in a park alone with you enemy.

Ope. A jogger. She runs slow, hardly picks up her feet. She's disappearing. When I look up from writing she will be gone.

I should go to Jojo's but to do what? Hmmm. I guess write on my blog. For I am not doing a thing here except blowing bubbles and waiting.

Thoughts are for lonely people.

My Grandmother Speaks...

My first crush well. I'm not going to let you put a name in there...course he isn't living any way. No, I didn't date much in my high school years I met chili out at the college and that was it. Oh are you?(laugh) what are you putting in there I don't have my glasses so I can't read it. Talk...talk about what? Something interesting nothing happened today.

I guess interesting things happen although I don't have instant recall of any of them. Is your mom coming by tonight to get her presents? Oh Alexandra... Let me go get a cup of coffee... Well, I looked around downstairs for inspiration to talk about, but there is nothing except letters to be written, phone calls to be made... My favorite memory of Annie (her sister) ... well we used to go out to lake Gibbons in the summer time with the family and they had a diving board and a ramp in the deepest part...well the deeper part. I was envious she could swim and dive perfectly. I never learned. I used to take swimming lessons with your mom she would go to the beginners class with kids her age. and I never learned how to swim. Now what do you propose doing with all that?

"So give me something juicy...what's the juiciest thing you've ever done in your life?" Well...eat oranges. But you know that's no joke really. mom and dad would order oranges by the bushel and mom would say take them in the back yard to eat them. Those were good oranges. Now you don't know what kind of taste the oranges are going to have. Bet you never thought you'd be writing about and orange...someone is going to read that and say what a cooke.

Bush just finished his speech. His plan is basically summed up as so:Saddam must leave the country in 48 hours other wise war will begin whenever we let it begin.

Moushi! Moushi! Moushi!

The last three days have been so much fun!

Wednesday: Opening Night!! The whole cast had so much energy and the audience was amazing. They started to cat call and go "oooooo" when Oscar and I did the date seen. Two times I got an applause for that scene. Yay! Every one did a wonderful job wonderful! I was so incredibly nervous before we went on I was convinced I was going to pee in my pants. (I didn't)

Thursday: The biggest deal about today was I was called a "baller." One of the girls on the basket ball team (you know the ones that never talk to you unless they want something...) told me I did excellent and that I was a "baller" I have never been called a baller before it was rather exciting. The play was OK. Not great. Kristin calls it the Thursday syndrome. Steph said it was the audience. Oscar said it was because we had no energy. I'm not sure what it is but I will agree it wasn't our best performance. Thales came and managed to hurt Steph and I's feelings, with his look of "I'm way to good for this even though I don't do it and I'm an asshole" type of looks. Then preceded to tell us that the only worth while part about the play was when Kyle yells in German off stage. He then admitted that he lied when he said he wasn't going to come earlier. oooooo I hate lies! oh well. After the play I went to sleep and I here what I thought was my dads voice. But I tell myself logically it can't be him. I must be going crazy. If I were really going crazy I wouldn't think I was going crazy. Sure enough it was my dad! He came to see my play!!

Friday: I was once again sooooooo nervous. I think I did well. Everyone clapped again at the date scene. That made me so happy. I got a standing elevation. ( I know I know its only a St. Mikes drama play...) Mrs. Roybal said before the play that "The Diary of Anne Frank" was her first play and she played Anne Frank I was so excited that she gave the part to me, because I know it holds a special place in her heart. I did well. Nick came and told me I did wonderful. I asked him "really? truly?" To ensure he wasn't lying. He seemed genuine (Although I know he couldn't possibly have been impressed...but I almost believed he was.) Sarah told me that it was creepy how much I could turn into Anne Frank...she wondered what happened to Alex. After the play we had the cast party! Mrs. Roybal gave me and all the girls a bracelet and earrings. It was really nice. I thanked her for giving me that part. She told me I was perfect for it. I wanted to cry I was so happy.

The cast party number one: We had this one in the auditorium for all the little junior high people. Mrs. Roybal gave me the red beret, she gave Jess the pink pajamas, she gave Steph the pretty flower dress, and she gave Oscar Moushi (the stuffed cat). He pretended to not really like it, but he did. Jessica and I laughed over him and that cat for a good 2 hours. We ate pizza and had a blast.

The cast party number two: It was a secret we didn't want the junior high kids to come (except Sam he's cool). So we went to Mark Dennison's house. We are rather bad at keeping secrets. " I don't know how to get home" "Can you give me a ride to your house?" things like that were said. There we saw Sarah Dennison. Nice Girl. Oscar and I planned to scar Kyle...it didn't really work. Then I had to leave. Jess, Oscar and I all left at the same.

Now that It is all over I feel like a part of me is missing. I miss Anne (as stupid as that sounds) I haven't decided what I am going to do with the 3 hours of my life back everyday. I will figure something out.

Thanks everyone on the cast. Jess, Steph, David, Oscar, Peter, Kyle, Marj, Kristin, Mark, I love you all!! You are some of the most talented people I have ever been with in my life. I believed you all so much I had the heart breaking realization last night that Kristin is not my mother and Steph is not my sister. I had the huge disappointment that I don't really hate Kyle and that Oscar is not my boy friend. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!! I cannot wait until the next drama play!!

A person can be lonely even if he is loved by many people, because he is still not the "One and Only" to anyone

Anne Frank said this. I think she was a genius and not just because I am playing her. By the way tomorrow is opening night. I am afraid that the person I am portraying I will also be betraying. I fear I will be a horrible Anne Frank. I will let her down. She was amazing and well I have this horrible feeling that she will be watching tomorrow night and going "ach what is wrong with that girl...people think that is me ach" I've curled my hair and I feel I know my lines well enough. I just feel that I'm not ready to be Anne. I'm not ready to portray such an innocent person, who had such a vigor for life.

She makes me always want to write. Every time I read her diary or do a certain part of the play I have this huge urge to write everything I feel down. Unfortunately I forget that I am not a decent writer. And while I am so much better at writing than I am talking I can never express my true thoughts when I want to say them. I end up saying something that I don't even really think, or understand. Then the ironic thing is later I will think of the genius thing to say...but alas it makes no sense to say in the middle of English "You cannot control hate because you cannot control love there has to be an equal balance." ( the religion conversation of last week) and on top of that I feel this huge urge to do something great...something amazing. I want to be good. Unfortunately this feeling gets lost. I have lost some sort of innocence although I cannot really place my finger on what exactly I am no longer innocent in. I feel, well I feel like a horrid person. I know Thales and others say I'm a good person, but I can't see it.

I wish I could help people and leave behind some of my selfishness, more than help people I want to understand people I want to listen. (I haven't forgotten about my new years resolution...refer to 1/2 its the COW of the week) I want to be one of those people who can truly empathize with a person. I feel so incredibly selfish...this is worsened by Owen. He did not do it intentionally how could he have known my insecurity on being selfish?

I have also decided something fundamental about my religion, if Jesus really is the only way to get to heaven. I don't want to believe in it. I refuse to believe that Anne Frank is not in heaven because she is Jewish. I refuse to believe it, more than that I have decided that I don't want to be in a heaven that is not open to Jewish people, or any other faiths. My God is not that shallow, and if he is then I don't want him to be my God.

Well, I think that is enough Alex theology for one night.

My Eyes Are Tired But My Brain Wont Stop Thinking

My dear friend my Benedril is not working. I have taken two, normally a trusty sedative, its not working. Damn it!!! Damn it fucking all.. I am lost and confused. My brain will not stop thinking.

Alex's thoughts for the next two minutes: Owen, I wonder what its like to be John Cusak. Nick is right that is him and that movie scares me. Owen dumped me..how come. so sudden, why. i don't understand. what is my list of top five favorite records of all time. did I do something wrong. What could I have said. if compilation tapes mean love I have never been in love. Owen never gave me one. did he never love me? I shouldn't analyze this. I'm tired. Milo get off. hmmmm. Owen. High fidelity. I'm wondering.I have exams tomorrow. Damn it. speech. speech!! I don't want to go. I'm all alone. It will be 3 days of High Fidelity. I don't understand Owen. He doesn't need me...he said so.

please stop thinking.

Uch, ick, Ach

That is how I would describe my day in three words (sounds?) depends how you listen to me.

I just got out of the shower, every time I get out of the shower I never want to put clothes on again. I want to run around in the nude, or as little as possible. This thought came across me again today. I always stop myself from running as soon as I get out of the shower and screaming "I'm free I'm free" because of the logical reason....the neighbors would think I was extremely perverted or crazy. Either one is not a good thing for neighbors to think...because when some one's cat goes missing who would be the first person they blame?

All...That..Jazz

My day was semi-sureal. I was in religion doing my test and all the sudden I hear. (in my head) Come on, Babe why don't we paint the town? And all that jazz ( This totally breaks any concentration I did have) I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down and all that jazz. Start the car I know a whoopee spot (By now Im tapping my foot) Where the gin is cold but the piano's hot It's just a noisy hall where there's a nightly brawl and all that jazz! (In my religion paper and Im relating God to Jazz) Slick your hair and wear your buckle shoes and all that jazz! I hear that father dip is gonna blow the blues and all that jazz hold on, hon. We're gonna bunny hug I bought some aspirin down at United Drug. In case you shake apart and want a brand-new start To do that - ( The singers paused to let me turn in my test..I turn on my heal and have to control every instinct from jumping on a desk, raising my hands and singing : Jaazzzzzzzzzzz!!)
(But as I walk back to my desk I hear...) Skidoo! Hotcha! Whoopee! (Im at my desk and Im totally lost now...being that I have 15 minutes to do nothing.) (Suddenly the lights go dim and there I am in this sparkly red flapper dress on the desk singing...)It's just a noisy hall where there's a nightly brawl and all that jazz.Find a flask we're playing fast and loose. and all that jazz! Right up here Is where I store the juice ( I turn and suddenly do schimmy) Come on babe We're gonna brush the sky I bet you lucky Lindy never flew so high 'cause in the stratosphere how could he lend an ear to all that jazz!! (Everyone is dancing too now...In style and Br. paul has disapeered. Suddenly Im being lifted and the spot light is on me!)Oh, you're gonna see her sheba shimmy shake.Oh, she's gonna shimmy till her garters break ( Then right when Im about to go into the final verse with the splits and then the bell rings....)

This happened in French, English and Geometry also, only in French I was wearing a light pink dress. Did I mention I saw Chicago this weekend?

From The Editor

Dear Dylan,
I often find myself and others saying "Nick and Dylan" "Nick's Duo" "Nick's Duo partner" ect. I know how that must effect you, always tending to be in the shadow of Nick. But when I met you in 8th grade, I never saw you in any shadow, your nice personality ( when I say nice I mean perverted and funny too) has always been with you. You are not under, behind, lacking to, or in the shadow of anyone. You amaze me. You are so supportive and funny.

No one else always waits for me to come out of history, no one else ever saw me out of the shadow of Nick for along time either except you, when I was really low in self-esteem you told me you thought I was pretty. You give me some of the best advice I have ever heard. I never thought I could be friends with someone who dated my best friend and my sister. But you have never changed toward me.

I adore your hair but more than that I adore the mind that is under the hair. Your hands need lotion. Your shoes need deodorant, and your socks need washing. But other than that your an OK kid.

Alex

Football, Frisbee, and The Absence of Heaters

So yesterday I was wearing my pretty little white uniform, all ready to go volunteer at the hospital, when my phone rings...its Ben he's calling to re-invite me to Connor's to watch a football game ( apparently its the playoffs.) So I went.

We went to the grocery store first. It's polite to bring food to a football party. A random guy really scared me.
At Connor's: I'm glad Thales isn't into football either, in fact I knew slightly more than he did. ( that's only because I spent last weekend w/ Steph.)

I would say football was designed for men who think its really bad to be homosexual and over weight but want the experience of slapping a guy's ass, and making the 300 pound guy who other wise would be shunned from society, very popular. Half the things that are allowed in football would get the crap beaten out of someone in the real world.

Anyway. After the game (the red team won) Everyone wanted to play sports. So we all (when I say "we all" I mean Ben, Connor, Thales, Nick, and Myself) went to the Rose Park and played Frisbee ( I'm sure there's a technical name for the game we played) At first I was on a team with Connor and Ben. When we lined up to pick teams it was like kindergarten all over again...only with a slightly better result. Then we switched teams and Ben, Nick and I were on a team. In the words of Nick " We won is spirit" ( that's not an exact quote). It was rather fun.

Then Ben came over to my house where my sister was having Peter's golden globe party. Then Connor invited us to meet him and Thales down town at The Burrito Company. We then went to Dinesty and ate. Thales told his story about making out with a french/Swedish girl. Very interesting.

Then I was driven home.

So I have a new weekly thing going on its called "Letters from the Editor". I plan to write a letter a week (or when ever I want to). I put about thirty peoples names in a hat and folded them so I couldn't see and I picked a name totally at random and plan to tell them exactly what I think of them. The honor of the first letter ever is Paula! I SWEAR THIS IS TOTALLY RANDOM!

Dear Paula,
I swore to myself I would never be like you, I would never act like you did when you broke up with Connor. I thought it was silly to love someone, silly to adore them. Little did I realize I would later understand your pain all to well. It takes a real friend to empathize. You are a real friend. You bring me flowers when I am sick, and write me letters when I'm away. You have never failed to send a post card, no matter where you are.

Your far off quotes keep me guessing and your lake makes me wonder where Kristin's wallet could be. I love your red curly hair and the way it bounces when you sing Ramon's songs.

You have an extremely nice personality, but you don't always show it. Show it, please.Don't use a false attitude to protect yourself from hurt. It doesn't work. People love you for you, not your "bad-ass" attitude.

Your love for your base is inspiring. but here's my last piece of advice: Don't replace boys with a base.

Love,
Alex

Alex's New Year's Resolutions!

Drum role please:
1. Listen more...really listen.(huh? what? I didn't hear you!)
2. to not socialize (If I don't hang around people they can't get me sick)
3. to not gossip ( hey speaking of that do you know what I heard? well I can't write it,ask me.)
4. To come up with more excuses to not take vitamins (my it hurts my stomach, is getting old)
5. To eat better. (french fries just aren't cutting it.)
that's it! Now all that's left is breaking them and feeling guilty and like a horrid human being